Nothing after something
Up to when I left home and went to university I had a pretty ordinary run of things, school, blah, homework, 'I want to be a physicist' blah blah blah. But then all that didn't work out, and not so 'blah', I did, what would appear to many, as nothing for a good few years. Fuck it, fuck the whole thing, I want to know what's going on, I might take some drugs, break some rules and not do my homework! A very refreshing experience for me actually, although I suppose the lack of social acceptance for such a direction was quite stigmatising and pretty depressing.
I remember one time after a particularly awful and depressing low point, a point that I seemed to have visited a million times previously, I had the unusual idea of really trying to give life a go, give it my best shot as it were, why not eh, I hadn't tried that before, I thought I may as well try it just to see what it was like if anything. Well the universe's response wasn't instantaneous by any means but looking back on it I definitely think it was a significant turning point. Eventually I began to take my internal and external circumstances much more seriously, as if they really did influence the quality of my life.
So now, some years later, I have a degree and am not afraid of my own solitude -- great achievements. But this hasn't meant that I can just fit back into things, job, house, blah, blah, blah. Though I graduated in Religious Studies I have spent the last year developing websites -- something that I'm talented at and also something that offers a more obvious route into a vocational career. I've got an impressive portfolio of work now which I hope will fare me well for the future, whether it's in a commercial company or in self-employment.
Anyway, this last year has been an incredible one, I've learnt so much and done things, under my own steam, which impress even me! So where do I go from here? I don't know. I have lots of options and interests, but I'm still hungry for Religious Studies, I've written a little book I want to try and get published, I miss the countryside, I spend too much time in front of the computer! It'd be great just to be rich and not have to worry about getting food on my plate and a roof over my head, but reality's reality! Importantly though I want to taste this "don't know-ness", I don't just want to make some decision because I'm scared of the doldrums, in fact the doldrums are like a blank canvas upon which completely new creations can be given the opportunity to express themselves without the competition and clutter of the 'finished piece'.